I finally got my period!!!

Yeah for me!!! Of course it came as a total surprise - things always happen when you least expect it. You know....a watch pot never boils sort of thing. So, for tonight, anyway, I'm happy. I can be scared to death again tomorrow. I'll call RE's office to set up first ultrasound (Tuesday?) and get clomid prescription. Who knows? I could be pregnant one month from today! I've been pretty lucky getting pg in November. Unfortunately, a D&C typically follows in January. Please Please Please let this time be different!

I think I hit a new low.

Today when I was coming back from the cafeteria, our supply guy asked me how I was. I said "hungry". He replied "maybe it's a sign!" and started laughing hysterically! I wanted to ask him, "what's so fricken funny?!!" But I just kept walking. He's 70 and I'm sure he thought he was being cute. He's a nice enough guy, but I quit liking him all that much when he told me he believed animals belonged outside.

As for my new low, I dressed like a TOTAL slob today. It was raining outside, and I didn't have anything to wear that fit. On top of that, I wore shoes that didn't go with my sloppy outfit, my pants were too short, and they showed at least an inch of my light colored socks. I told Bret about my day this evening....he was pretty supportive, which I didn't expect. He's so tired of me crying. I explained that I feel like I'm living a parallel life....my reality and what should have been my reality which is being 7 months pregnant.

It's been a long time since I've been this depressed....no, that's not exactly true. I was pretty depressed this time last year when I lost my little Dugan. What I'm feeling is a combination of grief and hopelessness (sp?). If it were an option, I wouldn't leave my house. I'd be in sweats all day, eating junk food, watching TV and playing on the computer. Did anyone see Death Becomes Her? If yes, do you remember Goldie Hawn in a fat suit? That would be me! Aren't I pathetic?

First day of blogging

Well, it's my first day of blogging. Not sure if I'm doing this right, but after talking to Donna, it seemed like a good way to get my emotions out there without bugging dh or bringing down my cyberfriends. I sure have a lot on my mind with this TTC crap! Today was better than yesterday, but still depressed as hell. I just wonder if my dream will ever come true, ya know? Will I get pg again? If I do get pg, will I miscarry, or worse...lose another baby to a chromosomal disorder? If I do lose another baby, will I be able to convince dh to keep trying? 38 seemed like a good age to TTC...some people consider that "older", but I sure didn't! Why is it now at 40, only 2 1/2 years later, I feel ancient? I feel so broken...not whole, if that makes sense.

Whew!! That did feel good!! Now let's see if it worked!!