It's 4:50 on the 31st. In just a little more than 7 hours it will be 2005. Two days ago I was full of hope for the new year. Now I'm just petrified of what it might bring. 2003 and 2004 were shit. Why not 2005? Will I get pg again? If I do, will I miscarry or worse, have another baby with a severe chromosomal abnormality? Will I lose another beloved pet? Will my family stay healthy? Will I? How many world tragedies will there be? Feeling pretty melancholy right now...listening to the Carpenters Love Songs CD only feeds the mood.
I haven't posted on the boards too much lately. Here and there, but usually not much about me. I just don't have the energy. If/when I do get pg again, I don't think I'll post it on the boards...only on my blog. I just don't want to hear "I'm sorry" "It's not fair" one more time. Don't misunderstand - I wouldn't have survived without all the support I've received from these wonderful women. I'm just tired of sounding like a broken record. I'm certainly not going to tell family or friends. I don't want to make the phone calls to undo my announcement.
I guess I should run. It's Bret's birthday (41) and he should be coming back from playing golf in the rain any time. We have dinner reservations, but will likely be in bed by 10:00.
For anyone reading this, I'm wishing you all nothing but health and happiness in this new year.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
The Merry-Go-Round
I just read this great post from a woman on my AHC board. She said that sometimes it feels like she's on a merry-go-round. Other women who have had infertility/pregnancy loss issues are on it, too. But one by one, these women get pregnant, jump off, and move forward with their lives. But she still keeps going round and round.
I feel the same way. I just can't be here one year from now with nothing to show for all of my suffering. On one hand, I'm looking forward to 2005. On the other hand, I was looking forward to 2004, too, and look where that got me. I like what Tiffani said in her blog about a big Fuck You to 2004. Yeah....FUCK YOU! Boy, that felt good.
I think my body is finally getting back to normal and hopefully I'll be pregnant again soon. Nevermind the fact that I still haven't lost these 10 pounds, but for the first time I'm not beating myself up too much about it. I've been depressed - it's a wonder I only gained 10 pounds and didn't jump off a bridge. Anyway, all the stress has taken it's toll. I've got 2 cold sores on my mouth - that's all I need. Also, I think this has been more stressful on Bret than I realized. I've been a handful, to say the least. We walked by this pregnant lady at the mall yesterday and under my breath I said, "Bitch". Of course I didn't mean it, but I think my craziness has gotten to him. I know he's afraid of "what's next", too.
On a separate note, my little Mandi is sick. we don't know what's up - maybe a pinched nerve. She seems to be in pain intermittenly when we touch her back. Took her to the vet yesterday...X-rays looked good, urinalysis looked good. She's on antibiotics so hopefully it's just some infection that can be cleared up. She did have some wormy-looking thing in her stomach, but we're at a loss as to what it might be. I'm just so afraid of losing her in 2005. She'll be 12 in March, but I love her so much and I'm just so fragile these days.
O.K...I've rambled enough. Thanks for listening.
I feel the same way. I just can't be here one year from now with nothing to show for all of my suffering. On one hand, I'm looking forward to 2005. On the other hand, I was looking forward to 2004, too, and look where that got me. I like what Tiffani said in her blog about a big Fuck You to 2004. Yeah....FUCK YOU! Boy, that felt good.
I think my body is finally getting back to normal and hopefully I'll be pregnant again soon. Nevermind the fact that I still haven't lost these 10 pounds, but for the first time I'm not beating myself up too much about it. I've been depressed - it's a wonder I only gained 10 pounds and didn't jump off a bridge. Anyway, all the stress has taken it's toll. I've got 2 cold sores on my mouth - that's all I need. Also, I think this has been more stressful on Bret than I realized. I've been a handful, to say the least. We walked by this pregnant lady at the mall yesterday and under my breath I said, "Bitch". Of course I didn't mean it, but I think my craziness has gotten to him. I know he's afraid of "what's next", too.
On a separate note, my little Mandi is sick. we don't know what's up - maybe a pinched nerve. She seems to be in pain intermittenly when we touch her back. Took her to the vet yesterday...X-rays looked good, urinalysis looked good. She's on antibiotics so hopefully it's just some infection that can be cleared up. She did have some wormy-looking thing in her stomach, but we're at a loss as to what it might be. I'm just so afraid of losing her in 2005. She'll be 12 in March, but I love her so much and I'm just so fragile these days.
O.K...I've rambled enough. Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
I could be one of those crazy ladies!
You know...those crazy women who don't like their lives so they make one up?
I have felt this way since my AHC (A Heartbreaking Decision) in August. I have my reality, which is where I'm not pregnant and I don't have a baby. Then I have my fantasy life where I would be huge right now, fastly approaching my due date. I could strap on a pillow and pretend, don't you think?
For example, today was our holiday X-mas luncheon. My real life was same ole same ole. In my fantasy life, people are asking me how I'm doing, talking about the baby's room, asking how much time I'm taking off, etc., etc., In my fantasy life, I'm nervous about delivery and being a mom. In my real life, I'm worried that I'll never have a biological baby of my own. Reality bites.
One of my cyberfriends was due the same day I was (January 21st and she just had her baby early). She's 39 and had her amnio on the same day as mine. Hers was perfect...mine wasn't. I'm so tired of being on the wrong end of statistics!!! Honestly, what were the chances of me having 3 early miscarriages, going on to having a healthy pregnancy only to learn my baby wasn't going to make it due to a severe chromosomal abnormality. Enough already!!!
When the clock struck midnight January 1, 2004, I went to the ladies room at the bar we were at and bawled my eyes out. I was sad for my little Dugan-dog and having had 2 miscarriages. I prayed that 2004 would be better. Well it wasn't. I wish I could pray for 2005 to be better, but quite honestly, I'm out of prayers. I think I'll sleep through midnight this year.
Did I say enough already!
I have felt this way since my AHC (A Heartbreaking Decision) in August. I have my reality, which is where I'm not pregnant and I don't have a baby. Then I have my fantasy life where I would be huge right now, fastly approaching my due date. I could strap on a pillow and pretend, don't you think?
For example, today was our holiday X-mas luncheon. My real life was same ole same ole. In my fantasy life, people are asking me how I'm doing, talking about the baby's room, asking how much time I'm taking off, etc., etc., In my fantasy life, I'm nervous about delivery and being a mom. In my real life, I'm worried that I'll never have a biological baby of my own. Reality bites.
One of my cyberfriends was due the same day I was (January 21st and she just had her baby early). She's 39 and had her amnio on the same day as mine. Hers was perfect...mine wasn't. I'm so tired of being on the wrong end of statistics!!! Honestly, what were the chances of me having 3 early miscarriages, going on to having a healthy pregnancy only to learn my baby wasn't going to make it due to a severe chromosomal abnormality. Enough already!!!
When the clock struck midnight January 1, 2004, I went to the ladies room at the bar we were at and bawled my eyes out. I was sad for my little Dugan-dog and having had 2 miscarriages. I prayed that 2004 would be better. Well it wasn't. I wish I could pray for 2005 to be better, but quite honestly, I'm out of prayers. I think I'll sleep through midnight this year.
Did I say enough already!
Friday, December 10, 2004
Boy do I feel like an idiot!
First cycle after D&E, used the fertility monitor, never peaked. 30 days.
Second cycle after D&E, used the fertility monitor, never peaked. 40 days. Didn't ovulate as confirmed by progesterone levels.
Third cycle I took 50mg clomid. Fertility monitor never peaked. 40 days. So, assuming that I didn't ovulate, I became more depressed this month than you can imagine (or maybe you can?). So, I start my period yesterday and today I went in for my baseline ultrasound, fully expecting to have my clomid prescription upped to 100mg. Well the doctor says my progesterone level was good at 22 - they like to see anything over 15. My mouth dropped...."You mean I ovulated?". She said yes....probably around day 19. How ironic is that? Of course, once I concluded I wasn't going to ovulate, I had zero interest in doing the dance. I can't believe my monitor never peaked!!! Dr. said she's had other patients with same problem and suggested I use OPKs, too.
Damn!
Damn! Damn!
Second cycle after D&E, used the fertility monitor, never peaked. 40 days. Didn't ovulate as confirmed by progesterone levels.
Third cycle I took 50mg clomid. Fertility monitor never peaked. 40 days. So, assuming that I didn't ovulate, I became more depressed this month than you can imagine (or maybe you can?). So, I start my period yesterday and today I went in for my baseline ultrasound, fully expecting to have my clomid prescription upped to 100mg. Well the doctor says my progesterone level was good at 22 - they like to see anything over 15. My mouth dropped...."You mean I ovulated?". She said yes....probably around day 19. How ironic is that? Of course, once I concluded I wasn't going to ovulate, I had zero interest in doing the dance. I can't believe my monitor never peaked!!! Dr. said she's had other patients with same problem and suggested I use OPKs, too.
Damn!
Damn! Damn!
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