Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this.

O.K. I'm in the grocery store line tonight behind an old man (late 70s/early 80s?). He was flirtatious in the way old men are sometimes.

him: (pointing to my fruit bowl), "Is that good?"
me: "Yes it's very good. God knows I'm not going to cut up
the fruit myself!"
him: "You must me a mom"
me: "No, not yet. We've had some bad luck in that area."

What the hell compelled me to say that in a grocery store line to a complete stranger? I mean, there were others listening and everything. I guess I didn't want to "just say no" and felt I needed to qualify my answer. After all, I'm almost 41 - by society standards I should be a mother.

I remember when I was young and stupid, asking 40ish women why they didn't have children. I got the stock answer, "No, we weren't blessed.". I remember feeling so sorry for them. Now I feel sorry that I didn't know any better.

Sometimes I wonder....

...if I even want children or if it's my stubborness that compels me to keep trying. I really hate being told what to do, and I'm very competitive (at least I used to be before all of this TTC wore me down.) I'm not one of those women who couldn't wait to be a mom. I don't remember being a huge doll lover and I hated babysitting. DH and I have a pretty good life - We have good jobs. We aren't wealthy by any means, but generally don't have to watch our money too closely. We have four wonderful pets that give us tons of joy. We're pretty independent, but great partners and friends. We like to sleep. Not huge travelers, but we like to go out to dinner and movies.

So I bet you're wondering why I want to have chilren?

Because I know how much I love my dogs - how much fun Bret and I have when we are together as a "family".

I want to know what it is to be excited about being pregnant (to actually tell people when I'm due and wear ugly maternity clothes).

I want to tell kid stories at work - to leave early because my kid's in a play.

I want to go to Disney movies on a Saturday afternoon, and actually enjoy other people's children.

I want to take my own child to his/her first baseball game.

I want to see the joy on my husband's face as he plays with him or her and he thinks I'm not looking.

I want to not be angry and bitter.

I want to be part of the "club".

Dammit. I just want.

Let the games begin!

Flo came yesterday morning. Figures. I've spent 7 weeks looking down at my underwear every time I went to the bathroom. As soon as I quit looking, she gets here. Anyway, I went for my baseline u/s this morning. No cysts, which is good. We start with one ampule repronex tomorrow night and I go back Saturday morning for another u/s. Keep in my mind that my mom gets here on Thursday. I figured we wouldn't have to inseminate until after she leaves on CD 10, but DR says can't say for sure - with injectibles it's a very personal thing. I just pray that my follies don't ripen until after she leaves!

I forgot to tell you they drew blood this morning and my e2 and FSH are fine. I'll try to get the exact numbers.

Gotta run - plenty of stuff to do before DM gets here.

I love my new blog!

Tonight, got a little HTML help from BIL who is a website designer. Doesn't it feel good when you finally get something?

Just want to give a nod to Dee - I love the quotes she puts in her post. This is my favorite.

Again, it's 1:15 and time to go to bed.

HTML!

By George, I think she's got it!


Well....not quite. Can anyone tell me what the html is for putting a statement in? For example, under my FAVORITE QUOTES, I want to write "Do or do not. There is no try." -- Yoda


tank yu berry much.

I can't believe it's 1:15 a.m.!!! I bet dh fell asleep on the couch. I haven't heard a peep from him in hours.

HTML?

I really have no idea what I'm doing with this HTML stuff. I tried to change my template to make it more pleasing to the eye, but can't seem to get rid of the old one!! I think it's a blogger problem...I e-mailed them so we'll see what they say.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm exhausted from this crazy work week and really need to sleep. I just can't tear myself away from this damn computer!

AF Stay Away!!!

O.K...I decided that I don't want Flo to come until my Mom leaves on the 31st. I'm dreading the visit as it is, and I'm such a bad liar. (Of course, you guys all know it will come when I don't want it to, right?!)

Am I the worst daughter ever? I love my mother so very much. She's a wonderful, giving, honest (too honest) woman, but my family just rubs me the wrong way. They think I'm hypersensitive, and they might be right. DH just laughs - he thinks the dynamics are funny. (Like he has room to talk with his wierd-ass family!)

I may have told you this story already, but a couple of years ago, all my mom wanted for Xmas was a picture of me and my brother (not together). I absolutely HATE getting my picture taken, but sucked it up and went to JC Penney. Could have made a better choice considering everyone else was there with their babies! Anyway, when my mom got the picture she said I look younger in person. Un-fucking-believable! She thought she was paying me a compliment!

I told her that when she comes out she can't cry (big cryer like me) and we can't talk about DH and I TTC. We'll see how long that lasts!

"Letterman's" Top 10 Places To Avoid When TTC

10. The Gym (w/daycare)
9. My work (w/Social Security Office)
8. Aiports (new parents traveling to show off their new babies)
7. Friend's house (with toddlers and newborns)
6. Hairdresser's (who is due June 5th)
5. The Park (Dog parks are o.k.)
4. Grocery Store (avoid new moms and baby aisle)
3. Restaurants
2. WalMart

and the number one place to avoid when TTC....

1. THE MALL!

Please tell me the bar is safe!

I wish the bitch would just get here!

I have this terrible feeling that insemination time will happen when my mother is visiting at the end of this month. Today is Day 38 since my D&C. I think there are some signs...a little discharge in my undies, a bit of a headache, but you know how signs can be deceptive. DH was sweet this morning, though, when I told him about the timing. He said we would work it out. I'm keeping all this IUI stuff from my mom, for obvious reasons. Can you imagine how awkward that will be? As if it's not awkward enough. "C'mon, Honey - go masturbate in this cup, then take my mom to the airport while I carry your 'deposit' in between my boobs to get inseminated."

Good thing he was sweet after yesterday, though. I told him yesterday morning that our dog, Charlie, was sorry that he forgot to get me a card for Mother's Day. He laughed and said, "You think I should have gotten you a card?". I replied, "It would have been a nice thought". Jack Ass.

I'm baack!

Hi! Was in Minnesota last week for training, and brought home a nasty chest cold. It's almost 8:00 and I'm heading to bed very soon.

I need some help. While I was gone, I was putting some thoughs together on a a David Letterman-esque Top Ten. Here's what I have so far - any ideas?


The Mall - pregnant women, infants, toddlers, and baby stores.

Work - in a federal building so get to witness young families in the hallway as they go to Social Security to get numbers for their little ones.
Grocery Store - again, pregnant women, infants, and baby aisle.

Airports - infants and pregnant women, who get to board first, (you know, "those who need assistance or are traveling with young children...."

Gotta go - head cloudy - more later