It's definitely a BFN

The witch came this morning. I'm o.k, actually. Came on Day 28, which beats Day 40, let me tell you. It's a beautiful day in Southern California. The sun finally came out! Went for a 1 1/2 hour walk at Newport Beach and we're about to go see Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Next cycle should be better - I'm sure they'll up my ampules this time since I only got one egg last cycle. I just decided, "Screw it - I'm going to enjoy my Summer!"

It's lookin like a BFN

Yes, it's still a couple days early, but I couldn't resist. RE says not to test until 16 days post IUI, and today is only 13, but I figured it it was a BFP, there would at least be a faint line.

Funny....at first I was hoping for a BFN, because I wanted twins. Then last weekend we went to some open houses in this neighborhood that I love. The houses are pretty expensive, but they are in a gated community with pools, parks, cul de sacs, backyard views, lots of young families, etc. The PERFECT place, in my opinion, to raise a little family of my own. If we had twins, we likely would not be able to afford to buy there for a while since day care would be about 2K a month. My point is, I started thinking that maybe one child is the way. See what I get for thinking?

I thought this IUI thing was supposed to help us get pg faster....we did better on our own!

Hmmph.

So what do you think of my new blog name?

O.K. O.K. I stole it. You know I'm not creative! Anyway, bought this great book last night. It's brand new - check it out!

A Few Good Eggs

I've only read a couple pages in the miscarriage section, but so far it seems pretty good.

Not much else going on. It's been soooooo blaaaah down here in Southern California. June Gloom is in full force. DH is going to Palm Springs tomorrow to play golf for a couple of days. I'll bet he'll see some sunshine!

Ouch, that hurt!

The daughter of one of my coworkers is pregnant and is as far along as I would have been in this last pregnancy. Well, this afternoon, she showed me the level II ultrasound pictures. I had to catch my breath for a second. Clear as day was a 20 week old baby boy, and in the next picture was a foot.

This is also hard because the baby I lost in August was 18 weeks.

It's not that I begrudge her her happiness - not at all. In fact, she's lucky to be pregnant at all. She's a cancer survivor. She was diagnosed at age 14, and after lots of chemo, was cured (if you can use that term with cancer). She was told she would not be able to get pregnant and/or carry a baby to term. Well, she's half-way there and I hope she gets through the other half.

Even so, I really wish "D" hadn't showed me the pictures. She knows a little about what I went through, and I know she just wanted me to share in the excitement. And why shouldn't she? How long do people have to walk on egg shells around me? It's not like all the women in the world stopped having babies just because I can't. There's a great line from one of Reba McIntire's songs...."The world didn't stop with my broken heart." Ain't that the truth?

The perfect day

Yesterday couldn't have been a more perfect day. It started out very early with us getting ready for the IUI. I straightened up downstairs while dh manufactured the..umm..speciman upstairs. I tried to keep busy to keep from cracking up. We dropped of the donation at 7:00 then went to breakfast returning at 8:30. I was really nervous, but it turned out to be no big deal at all. When the nurse gave us dh's numbers pre and post wash. They were:

Pre Wash: Volume .5, Motility 94%, Concentration 276 million.
Post Wash: Volume .5, Motility 100%, Concentration 14.4 million.

I asked, "is this good?". She responded, "The best I've ever seen". Wow!! My Day 3 bloodwork numbers were pretty good, too. FSH 5.1, E2 26. Now, if we can just get a baby to stick!

So after all of this, DH surprised me by taking me to Fry's Electronics to get a new computer. We then went home and took a nap with the pets. I later went to the grocery store while he put the computer together (Unfortunately, he couldn't save the hard-drive from the old computer, so you guys all need to e-mail me). We then ate sandwiches, watched Old School, went to bed, and made love (note the terminology - we actually had sex because we were hot for each other.) We got along so well and laughed all day. It was so nice to fall in love with him all over again.

Of course, I know this won't last. But for one day, at least, all was right with the world.

Man, this really sucks!!!

This has been a pretty shitty couple of weeks. Although I did enjoy my mother's visit, she drove me up the frickn' wall! Nevertheless, I cried all of the way home from LAX.

I'm working late tonight...it appears my computer crashed at home. Bret's trying to see if he can fix it, but I have this terrible feeling it's beyond repair and I will lose everything - all my saved e-mails, my iTunes, etc. I don't know my passwords for P&B and FF, so I'm probably screwed there, too. I was so depressed last night. I felt like I was cut off from my friends and the rest of the world.

On top of it all, I started my injectables a couple of weeks ago. I think I got some assvice from someone on the P&B injectables board. She said that I should be getting 10-12 follicles - I'm wondering if she thinks I'm going IVF, b/c my RE said they are looking for 2-3...they don't want us having litters, she says. Anyway, this was my first cycle and I know they were trying to be conservative until they knew how I responded, but I only got one good follicle! I'm scheduled to do the IUI Saturday. I really want twins, too, but it doesn't look like that's a possibility this cyle. It's not that I want the extra work, diapers, $$$. It's just that after all of these losses I want something special to show for it. I keep telling myself that a healthy baby is special enough. I used to say things like "What's meant to be will be", but after losing so much, I've come to the conclusion that it's all random.

Thanks! I'm the last one here at work and I need to shut down. More later!