Going cold turkey.

I think it’s time to step away from TTC CyberWorld for a while.

This Sunday (August 21st) marks the one-year anniversary of the termination of our very much wanted little girl. I can’t quit crying. I feel like I don’t even have a right to grieve because of all the awful things I said when we learned she was trisomy 18.

After working on the computer all day, I come home and play on the computer all night. I peruse all the boards, fertility websites, and blogs. This means I get nothing else done and stay up way too late. They used to be my life line, but it seems they’ve become my anchor. Now I just feel that no matter how many miracles are happening out there, I won’t be one of the chosen ones.

I haven’t told you guys too much about what we’ve been doing in our TTC efforts lately, but we are now in our third cycle of meds. We started Monday with 3 ampules Bravelle. CD6 e2 levels came back a measly 27.3. I’m now on CD7 and am taking 3.5 ampules. I go back on Monday for CD10 ultrasound and bloodwork.

I’m starting to give up. This is our fourth cycle since the last D&C in April. (We were on our own last month due to a cyst). Getting pg used to be the easy part, but now it seems we can’t even do that right. I don’t know why I’m expecting anything else – after all, at 41 we are scraping the bottom of the barrel, here.

I’m working on DH for Plan B: IVF/donor eggs. He’s concerned about throwing away good money after bad (in case I miscarry again), and I think he’d rather go straight for adoption. I just feel like I need to carry a child – even if he/she’s only biologically ours. It’s like I have something to prove to God, my parents, me. I did order some info from adopthelp.com – a private adoption law firm out of Los Angeles. I’ve heard good things about them. It just kills me that we may have to pay mega-thousands of dollars for a baby which should be FREE!

I guess that’s it. I have many of your e-mail addresses, so I will be in touch. I invite anyone else out there to e-mail me at srathwick@cox.net.

Thank you for your friendship. I hope to hear from you and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Do you ever think you're being punished?

But before I get into that, let me tell you about an e-mail I received from an old coworker. History: We last worked together over 4 years ago. Back then before dh and I began TTC, his wife had two early miscarriages.Turned out to be a septum, which was fixed, and then they had a baby boy. Good for them. Well, the e-mail I got from him today lets me know how big their son is getting and that they are expecting twin girls (probably identical) in December. Isn't that special? Of course, the polite thing to do would be to congratulate them for their exciting news, but nope....I hit the delete button and came home and cried on dh's shoulder. Poor guy. I know he feels helpless. This TTC shit is just so old. Fuck being polite.

Now for the "being punished" question...

About 10 years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went back to Michigan to visit our families/friends. We first stopped at My Aunt D's house before heading off to Aunt' C's house. On the way, we started gossiping about Aunt C's daughter, my cousin L. At that time L. was about 24, not married, with 2 kids, on welfare. Long story short, she was trailer park trash. Aunt D. was joking around about how she'll probably announce that she's pg again. Wouldn't you know it, that's exactly what happened! I totally busted up laughing. I couldn't quit - I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face. Everybody just sat there in shock at my behavior, including ex-boyfriend and Aunt D. Then I really did it....I asked my cousin, "Can't you keep those legs shut?"

The thing is, it's only been recently that I've acknowledged how terrible I was to her - trailer park or not. I've always thought I was better than my dad's family, so I'm sure that they would find great pleasure in knowing how much I'm suffering now. I know you guys will think I'm out of my mind, but sometimes I really believe God is punishing me for being such an arrogant bitch. Maybe taking me down a peg or two (or three or four)?

Do you guys ever feel like you're being punished?