I think you're reading my mind

I've spent the last hour reading infertility blogs. It's amazing how so many of you can articulate what I'm feeling - about the holidays, pregnant women, strain on marriages, faith, and feeling cursed.

One of the women on the message boards asked if anyone shared her dark fear....that infertility was her cross to bear - that no matter what she did to the variables, she would never have children. I think that might be me - even with donor eggs. Oh sure, I know that statisticly speaking, my chances with a donor egg are pretty good, but when it comes to having a baby, I'm always on the wrong end of the statistics.

I hate this time of year - from Columbus Day to MLK Day, and all the stupid holidays in between. "Same crap, different year", as one of the bloggers put it. I used to love the Christmas season (Christmas day was always a let down, but I digress). I loved going to the mall, looking at lights, buying gifts. This will be the third year that I refuse put up a tree. Unlike many of you, neither dh or I have nieces or nephews. My brother is 35 - never married. DH has two brothers..one 43, the other 39. Also, never married. The only parent that lives nearby is MIL, who's crazy. I'm sure that's one of the reasons I want a child so badly. Our families need a child - a grandchild, a niece or nephew to bring some life back into our dull, routine lives.

Well, I'm spent. I go in for lab work in the morning to see if my Betas have gone down to zero since my last miscarriage. I will then start BCPs for 3 weeks, then go on Lupron/Repronex for my next (and probably last) IUI cycle. More on that later.

I have a question for those of you who are going through the egg donor process. I knew a girl on one of the message boards who went to South Africa for IVF and DE. They also stimmed her at the same time and transferred one of her eggs and two of the donor's eggs. (She later gave birth to twins). Have any of you heard of that being done in the States? Even though I strongly suspect that all of my eggs are shit, I think I would like to at least try that route. Any info would be greatly appreaciated!

Good night, All!

Side Note

To assist me in remembering whose blog belongs to whom, I'm putting your names by your blog site. Please tell me if you do not want me to do this for yours. I totally understand.

Pamplemouse: Word verification? I'd LOVE to get rid of these spammers!

Egg Donor Blogs, anyone?

Hi. I'll go into more detail later, but it's very likely we'll go the egg donor route after the first of the year. I haven't had much luck finding message boards/blogs on this, so if anyone can lend a helping hand, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I've been having some serious headaches these last couple of weeks. I'm 99% positive it's stress (work and personal), but I've been to the dentist (to get a mouth guard for my TMJ - major teeth clenching while sleeping), to the eye doctor (I now have astygmatisms in both eyes), and I'm getting an hour massage tomorrow night (now we're talking!!)

I'll write soon, o.k.? (And I'll update my movie and books portion of the blog)

Good Day/Bad Day

Why does it seem that you can't have a good day without a bad day immediately following?

Yesterday:

Perfect weather. Had the day off. Went to Newport Beach, did my one hour pier to pier walk, grabbed my beach chair and book, and watched the humungus (sp?) waves crash the shore. Overall, I was feeling pretty good about my life and it's possibilities. (Oh, and the Angels won, too!)

Today:

Not feeling well - bad headache. Bleeding heavily from the miscarriage for some reason, work was really shitty, and to top things off...my coworker's daughter paraded her 10 day old baby around all afternoon. (To be fair - it wasn't all afternoon and she didn't shove it in my face or anything.). I just wasn't able to rise above it all today. I ran into one of my friends from another branch in the hallway. All she had to do was look at me and I started bawling. Real professional, Sue. Real professional.

One funny thing did happen today, though. Stopped by Starbucks on my way home. After I purchased my frapuccio, I got back in my car to go home. The only thing was....it wasn't my car!!! It was another light grey Jeep Grand Cherokee! The sad thing is, it took me a good 30 seconds looking around for me to figure it out! What a space cadette.

Update

My RE inserted the 4 tables of mysoprostol around noon and around 6:00, I started bleeding. So far, cramping hasn't been bad at all. I did take one vicadin just in case, though.

DH and I had a huge fight on Tuesday, but on the way home from my appt today, we cleared the air. Tensions have been rising for months, so it feels good to finally be on the same side.

FIL came down from Fresno today. DH is already sick of him. I guess his feelings were hurt because he's staying with BIL instead of us. I don't like having company anyway - but especially not this weekend. I told DH that I really didn't want them to know about miscarriage #6, but if FIL got too whiny he could play the card. I just don't want sympathy/pity, but more importantly, I don't want people's judgments (you know....the "don't you think it's time to quit? How old are you now, anyway?" Or even worse...the whispering behind my back.

Once my HCG levels get down to zero, I'll start the BCPs then start lupron on day 21 for a round or more of lupron/bravell/IUI. Hopefully with the added lupron, I'll get more than one follicle I got in the past. This last cycle got me two, but look how that ended up. Given my hisotory, I expect to get pregnant again in the next few months. By the same token, given my history, I don't expect to have a succesful pregnancy. I've all but given up using my own eggs. We've been extremely lucky so far in that our insurance has covered just about all of our infertility costs. If we end up going IVF/donor eggs, we won't be so lucky and it just pisses me off that money that should be spent on our child's education will be spent on...er, well....a child.

Gotta run. I'll let you know how I'm feeling tomorrow.

:)

Make it six....

Make it six, as in six miscarriages.

About 5 weeks ago, I got a BFP. Went in for my betas - high numbers, doubling beautifully. A week ago today, went in for my first ultrasound. I should have been 6 weeks 2 days. There was a gestational sac and a yolk sac, but no fetal pole and no heartbeat. Although RE knew better, she said to give it another week, just in case. Well that would be today and still nothing.

Instead of a D&C this time, I'm going in Friday to take some drug and have my miscarriage induced. RE said that it should be over and done with in about 12 hours or less. I'm a little scared, but since it's still so early, we thought we'd try this this time.

I asked my RE if she thought it was possible that all my eggs are shit. She said she didn't think so, but had no explanation for my miscarriages. We're going to try one more time with my own eggs. As soon as my HCG levels get down to zero, we'll start the BCP then on CD21 start with the lupron/bravelle fertility treatment. If I lose pregnancy #7, we will explore using an egg donor.

I'm so lucky to have my RE. I really, really like her, and more importantly trust her. Even dh, who is as cynical as they come, really likes/trusts her.

I'm just so sad. It's not that I'm mouring this particular loss so much - I'm mourning all my losses and I'm really pissed off at the unfairness of it all. I just wish there was an explanation - something I could point to, but there's nothing. I feel so powerless over all aspects of my life. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I feel so worthless.

It's 10:40 a.m. Monday morning. I anticipated this bad news, so I took the day off. I'm going to grab my iPod, straighten up the house, and go do something - walk at the beach, run errands, go to the gym, slash my wrists (just kidding).

I'm very grateful for dh - I love him very much, although I have to say our marriage has been strained. We haven't had sex since late August. I just don't care, and apparently, he doesn't either.

I'm very grateful for my dogs - cats, too, but mostly my dogs. I just love holding their warm furry bodies next to me. They fill me up, even if only temporarily.

Gotta run - gotta get on with my life, I guess.