What the hell am I thinking?

We're in the process of choosing our donor. This is a very strange process indeed. We like the agency we're working with, although the owner/coodinator talks more than anyone I've ever met in my entire life! I leave her office with the biggest headache. Anyway, we went to her office and looked at the donors online. Our favorite is a blonde haired/blue eyed, California girl. Really pretty with a sense of fashion (I'm naturally a brunette with hazel eyes and absolutely no sense of fashion.) I think I could get away with a blonde child, but a little nervous about the blue eyes. Our second choice is also a pretty young girl - very natural looking. I didn't think I'd be motivated by altruistic reasons, but she has a family friend who experienced fertility problems and was an egg recipient.

Getting back to the title of this post: What the hell am I thinking? This might really happen! I haven't lost a pound since the first of the year, which would be a real drag if I get (and stay) pregnant - especially with twins. I'm scared to death of actually delievering a baby (prefer C-section thank you very much), and what am I going to do if I actually have one (or two)? When I come home from work, I'm so tired that I just crash on the couch and grab the remote. How am I going to handle picking up a child from day care, feeding, bathing/comforting him/her, still have time for all of our pets, and not break down in the middle of it all? Sometimes I wonder if it's just the principle - I don't want to be left out of the club. I want to buy kids toys at Christmas, have a toddler in a high chair at Chili's...all the things people with kids say it's worth it.

Have I lost my mind?

PS: Has anyone else been experiencing problems with Blogger? A lot of times, I can't get in.

What's new?

O.K....I picked door number 3. Dr. says I did get pg, but it didn't make it. I don't even really count this as a pregnancy, since I ended up getting my period the next morning on CD40. Dr and Dh both scolded me about not being better about taking my meds. But that's not the interesting part.....they may have found what caused my miscarriages - some of them anyway.

From my latest lab:

"The patient is compound heterozygous MTHFR C677T/A1298C. This is associated with increased plasma homocysteine levels, a risk factor for thrombosis, pregnancy thrombolia, recurrent spontaneous abortion (RPL), intrauterine fetal death, abruptio placentae, and neuron tube defect.

This genotype could be associated with RPL and unexplained infertility, independent of homocysteine levels. Folate supplement has been reported to be beneficial for pregnancy outcome in women carrying such genotype without folate deficiency nor hyperhomocysteinemic.

Dietary supplementation with vitamins (folic adid, B6, B12) may help reduce elevated homocysteine levels and prevent neuron tube defect even if no folate deficiency nor hyperhomocysteniemic."

I was a little frustrated that my last doctor didn't find this. She assured me all of the testing was done. I love this doctor, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, but it's still frustrating. While it's tempting to go another round with my own eggs, age is still a factor, and to be quite honest, I'm tired of all this shit. We started the mock cycle today and I'll be dropping off the paperwork for the donor egg agency we chose on Monday. Cross your fingers!

I've also decided not to tell ANYONE (except you guys, of course), about going the DE route. I told my one good friend that we were at that point, but now I'm going to tell her about the MTHFR diagnosis and lie telling her we'll try a time or two more with my own eggs. I also asked DH not to say anything to his brother, who we're close to. He has a girlfriend now, and I really don't want her to know, so I thought it best not to take any chances. We'll tell the child/children someday about their beginnings. Exactly when and how I'm not sure of yet, but we want it to be his/her/their information to tell.

So all and all, it's been an interesting week. I'm gonna take a nap now. Besides all of the emotional stuff, I've had a bit of a stomach bug.

More later!

What's worse than the 2WW?

The time between a BFN on a HPT and actually getting your period.

Here's my deal. Tomorrow will be CD 40 and no Witch in sight. That should be a good thing, yes? Especially since I ovulated on CD23. However, I P'dOAS Saturday, Sunday, Monday and nothing. I'm going into the RE tomorrow at 6:30a.m. for an ultrasound to see what the heck is going on. Yes, I know I could have tested today, but frankly, I didn't want to spend another $20 to get bummed out again.

Here are my theories:

1. I have a luteal cyst.
2. I have an ectopic pregnancy.
3. The egg did fertilize (making me a little pregnant), but didn't grow enough quick enough to produce any HCG. So, it'll be just a while longer before I miscarry pregnancy #7.

And for those of you who have been around the boards long enough, please don't send me any "sticky bean" cheers. That crap never works for me. Hope never works for me either.

Sorry to be such a downer. It's just so fucking typical. I finally made up my mind to do donor eggs. All I needed was my God Damn Period so I could move forward. But, noooooooo. "God" has other plans.

On a bright note, DH got a long-awaited job offer today! Good news is that it's in management. Bad news is, it's with a different company that doesn't have the wonderful infertility coverage he has now. We'll likely do COBRA - effectively taking away any raise he might be receiving, but over all, with the high cost of IVF, I think we'll still be ahead.

I'll post tomorrow night and let you know if it's door number 1, 2, or 3!

signed,

your bitter friend.