To blog or not to blog...that is the question.

Do you guys ever have so much to blog about that you just don't blog at all? That's how I've been feeling lately.

It's been a rough week and I'm feeling a little down today. I have to remind myself that my psyche is a little overwhelmed right now and my "coping" mechanism is depression. All these head games, I tell you. Work's been pretty crappy for reasons I won't bore you with, and although I've been eating less and exercising more, the scale isn't really budging. I'm also starting to feel quite anxious about this whole donor thing.

Right now I'm on BCPs...about a week more before I start my period. My donor (finally) got her period so she started on BCPs this week. Not sure how this all works, but I understand that right now our cycles are being synchronized and that within a few weeks, I'll start my lupron/estrogen/progesterone drugs and she'll start stimming so that she can produce 40 eggs for me. It looks like transfer will be toward the end of May which is right around the corner.

But what if it doesn't work? I got pregnant fairly easily with my own broken eggs, but what if I can't with perfectly good eggs? Or what if she doesn't stim well? Or what if I miscarry again? Or what if I hate being pregnant and being a mother? I don't do a good job of taking care of myself most of the time, how am I going to take care of someone else? Besides....I can't lose this stupid weight!!!

Now you see why I haven't been blogging? I'm a wack job.

What would I do witout you guys?

I know I've said this 100 times before, but it means so much to have you guys out there supporting me through this crazy infertility maze. You keep me from going completely insane.

Today went fine. Hurt a little bit, but took a Darvacet (sp?) about an hour before so I think that helped. I've been pretty groggy all day, though. Could be just from the drugs, but I suppose the time change and rainy weather aren't helping. It's almost 7:00 p.m. and as soon as I'm done blogging, I'm going to put a load of laundry in, start the diswasher, and hop into bed with my new book, "Light on Snow" by Anita Shreve (DH is out watching the game somewhere). I've only read a couple of chapters, but I like it so far. I have another book I'm reading called "Baby Trail" about a British woman's journey through infertility. It's pretty funny, but I feel like I need an escape from that.

Anyway, back to the endo biopsy....RE said it looks good and I should have results in about a week. I get to go off my shots for a while, and donor should have her CD3 ultrasound this week.

Stay tuned!

Today/Tomorrow

Hi. DH and I went car shopping today. Not that we're in the market or anything. I currently have a 2000 Jeep Grand Cherokee that's in perfectly good shape. We looked at several of the 2006 SUVs and one minivan. It was fun talking about baby seats, etc. I kept joking about having enough room for triplets. But now I have this familiar overwhelming sense of fear and sadness. I've been here before - many times. Of course, it hasn't always been cars. Mostly baby furnishings, clothing, and names. But it always ends the same - empty. Will this time be different? I don't know. Truth is, if it doesn't work out, I just don't think I'll have the energy to jump on the adoption rollercoaster. I told DH that if it doesn't work out this time, we could buy that Porsche convertable he had his eye on. ;)

Tommorrow a.m. I have my endometrial biopsy - the last step in my mock cycle. Not sure what to expect. I can't believe I haven't googled it yet. I guess I'm tired of googling infertility stuff.

Gotta run. With the time change, it's hard to tell what time it is and I still have some laundry to do/bills to pay before Desperate Housewives comes on.