Trying to be optimistic.

Well, it's officially Tuesday and I couldn't wait any longer to talk to you guys. The last 4 days haven't been horribly bad - finished a book, honing my skills in Frogger and PacMan on my cell phone....getting plenty of rest. The dogs sure are loving it! The part that sucks the most is that it's been absolutely gorgeous these last couple of days. Normally, I'd be at the beach taking full advantage of it, but alas...I feel like Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window. Oh...the other thing that sucks? Being tortured by the voice in my head that keeps saying, "Who are you kidding? It's not going to work! You're such a loser - I'm sure you screwed this up somehow and the embryos didn't implant." (Even though they were great embryos - three eight-cell, grades A and B and we were able to freeze 11). I'm already stressing about having to take another week off of work if it doesn't happen this time. Also, my mom is definitely coming out Labor Day weekend. No wonder I have self-esteem issues...she keeps making comments like, "if you really want me....". Damn Catholic guilt. If I'm pg by then, it should be a good visit, if not - I don't know what I'll do. You know, I've really turned into quite a selfish bitch. I just don't much care about anybody else outside of my little world of husband, dogs & cats. I'm sure I'm being overly sensitive, but sometimes it just feels like too much pressure and energy to give a shit. I HATE that half the world knows I'm still trying to have a baby. I'm sure they pity me.

Thanks for letting me rant...it's been kinda lonely around here.

:)

Wish me luck!

Going in at 11:00 pst for transfer. Wish me luck! I'll let you know on Tuesday how it all went.

Is this good?

Well, out of the 40 eggs, we have 14 embryos. I guess the rest weren't mature. What's next? Do we see how many of these embryos grow/make the grade? How does that work? Any good websites that explain this?

thanks

Aargh!!!

I am so mad at my husband right now!!! One of my biggest pet peeves about him is that he only half listens to me, then swears I never told him things. Case in point: Starting yesterday, I'm supposed to have 1 CC progesterone-in-oil (PIO) 2X day. Beginning a few days ago, I'm supposed to have 1/2 CC estradiol velerate 1X day, every other day. So, tonight he gives me a shot and I say, o.k., now I need the progesterone. "Which one is that?" he asks. I respond...."the same one you gave me this morning and last night." He says, "But this (estradiol velerate) is the one I gave you this morning and last night." Idiot!! So, basically, I missed two shots of progesterone, and had two extra shots of estrogen. Transfer is Friday!! I'm sure everything will be fine (I hope), but I'm still so pissed!!! I don't even want to tell the doctor about it. Pay attention, G** Dammit!!

On the bright side, my donor's retrieval was this morning and she has 40 eggs for me. I'll update you tomorrow on the fertilization.

So, as I said above, the transfer is Friday. Then I will be on STRICT BEDREST for 4 days - just bed and toilet - not even a shower! After than, I can walk around the house and get on the computer for 3 days. While on one hand, I'm looking forward to doing nothing but reading and watching movies for a week, I'm really irritated that this is my path to motherhood. Poor DH had to go to a room at a doctor's office today to provide a deposit. Isn't this just all so romantic? I think I'm done morning the loss of my genetic connection - it's not like I'm coming from the best gene pool anyway, but I am grieving my losses more than ever - especially the Trisomy 18 I lost two Summers ago. That's the closest thing I had to having a "normal" pregnancy experience. I still feel like such a fake.

Yesterday was a bit traumatic. I'll give you the Reader's Digest version. One of my older co-workers says to me that she heard on the news about college women selling their eggs! "They think it's great", she says, "but here they have several children out there that they don't even know about." I just sat there stunned hoping that the look on my face didn't give anything away. She knows about my miscarriages and about my continued attempts to have a baby, but I never discussed IVF with her and NEVER would discuss the egg donation. Then I talk to my mom. She's been bugging me to visit her in Florida and yesterday says, "What's the real reason you don't want to come out?" I said I don't want to talk about it and that if she kept pushing the issue I wouldn't talk to her at all. I know that was a bit harsh, but how do I tell her that I hate visiting them - she cries, my dad and I fight, and I'm sick of having the same tired converations. Most importantly, they don't support my having a child at this age (they think I've given up) and right now, attempts to have a child consume my every waking moment. She 's coming out to visit Labor Day weekend, so hopefully I'll be pretty pregnant by then so we can start to build our relationship back up.

Well, gotta run. I'll update you tomorrow. Thanks for letting me ramble.

Could it really happen this time?

I feel like a cow from the weight gain and bloat, my stomach is in constant upset from all the pills, and my already too-big-boobs are getting bigger. My most hated drug of the moment is estrogen and there's no end in sight. It sucks feeling like I don't have control over my body.

My estrogen went way up, so that's a good sign. My next ultrasound is on Saturday and retrieval and transfer will be sometime in the next week or so. My RE warned me that once we got started it would all happen very fast. I can't believe the end of May is here already.

Am I excited? Yes and no. My feelings are so ambivalent. It's a good thing I have an appointment with the therapist next Wednesday. Of course I want to have a healthy pregnancy and baby, but I can't help but think my life will be over. How harsh is that? I should be giddy, but instead, I'm just tired.

Good News/Bad News

Well, the good news is that my donor seems to be doing quite well - so far 21 follicles with retrieval scheduled for around the 24th. Of course, it's too early to tell what that means in terms of healthy embryos, but it's a start.

The bad news is, I continue to have problems absorbing estrogen. I'm up to 3 estrace pills, 4X day and will graduate from patches to shots tomorrow (plus the other 20 pills I take each day). Sometimes I think I'm just gonna barf. I feel so fat and bloated with absolutely ZERO desire to exercise. I thought I'd be able to drop a few more pounds before transfer, but it's not looking that way at all. I just feel soooo yucky!

Mother's Day came and went with just a few tears. DH was smart enough to get me cards this year (after I gave him shit last year). One card from the cats and dogs, and one "Happy Mother-to-be Day" card from him. We took MIL to the gospel brunch at House of Blues in Downtown Disney. The only time I got choked up was when the lead singer asked all the mothers in the house to raise their hands. Ouch...that hurt!

What's on the menu?

Estrace - 3 pills, twice daily
Climara patches - two at all times
Doxycycline - 1 pill, twice daily
Dexamethasone - 1 pill at bedtime
folic acid - 3 pills a day
prenatal vitamins - 2 pills a day
Metformin - 1 pill, 3 times a day
baby aspirin - 1 pill a day
Wellbutrin* - 2 pills, 2 times a day

22 pills/day total....Geez....I can not wait to add injectibles to my "diet"!! All I can say it that this better all be worth it.


*With all these meds I need to take something for my depression!

OHMYGOD!!!

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD...

I spoke with my doctor about an hour ago. She saw my donor this morning (and says we could be twins). Anyway, it looks like retrieval will be somewhere between the 18th and 20th and transfer around the 24th. Well, DH is on travel the 18th and 19th, so he may need to provide a frozen sample prior. I have a retirement party for a close coworker on the 23rd so I really hope transfer isn't until the 24th. I don't want to miss her party - and more importantly, be in a position where I'll have to explain to the masses why I'm not going. As it is, I'm going to be on "house arrest" for seven days. I'm just taking vacation time to coincide with Memorial Day Weekend, so it shouldn't be a big deal, but if I take the 23rd, well...there'll be some splainin' to do!

I was at my very unprivate office when my Dr. called so I tried to be quiet and cryptic. I hope nobody caught on. Then I called DH, but he was heading into a meeting, so I e-mailed him so he could pick it up on his blackberry. I know he's going to be mad, too, because he hates it when I send personal stuff to his work e-mail. It's just that I thought I was going to explode! (literally and figuratively - I really had to go to the bathroom!)

My last BCP was Saturday but I still haven't gotten my period. I'm supposed to go in on CD2 so it better get here soon!

Update: started my period this afternoon.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!! Please tell me it's all going to work out. I AM FREAKING OUT HERE!!!