Bedrest Bites!

I'm so tired of doing nothing! And the less I do, the less I want to do. I mean, I could read, cross stitch, study my spanish, etc., but mostly I just sleep and watch TV. I don't have a laptop, and sitting at the computer puts too much pressure on my cervix. Also, I've developed this pain underneath my right boob/rib that's worse when I sit. Doctor thinks I may have pinched a nerve since I also have some pain in my back.

I had a less than perfect appt on Monday - cervix is starting to shorten a bit, so I'm trying to be really good this week. I've been better, but not perfect. I go in again next Monday, and if it shortens anymore, doctor is going to put me in the hospital for a couple days to monitor contractions. I'll be 24 weeks on Monday and I have to make it 28 weeks - my goal is 32. The longer the better - I'm really fearful of having a child w/cerebral palsy or autism. I mean, I know we'd survive, but three children will be hard enough. DH and I are not equipped to handle a special needs child.

Again, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I don't do pregnant well. Maybe if I was carrying a singleton and not on bed rest it would be better, but I hate not having control over my body. I've spent my entire life trying to get/stay in shape, and it's hard just being a slug. DH and I were cracking up the other day when our 14 year old arthritic cat beat me up the stairs. What's up with that?

Gotta run. Senator Barack Obama is on Larry King Live. I saw him on Oprah yesterday and I doubt he'll say anything new, but I really like him. I see his politics as moderate, which appeals to me. I believe he may need a few more years of experience in congress before he runs for President, but I think he will someday. I would worry for his safety, though...too many kooks out there who would not accept a black president.

Reality's sinking in

I’m doing o.k. I’m really starting to get bored, though, and a little depressed. I still don't have my lap top from work, so DH is picking me up a cheap portable DVD player today. It's not that I don't have things to do (read, crafts, etc.) It's just that I'm tired of doing them. I'm the kind of person that accomplishes much more under pressure. Now - with all the time in the world, I do very little. Granted, I'm on bedrest and am supposed to do very little, but still. I sleep a lot and have the WILDEST dreams – so wild that I wake up uncomfortable. Even though I've only gained about 20 pounds or so, I’m starting to get pretty big and getting out of bed and off of furniture is more than a bit challenging. I haven't felt this unattractive since the 7th grade.

I'm 21 weeks tomorrow. I guess I never posted how my 20 week ultrasound went, did I? It went well - no signs of spina bifida or chromosomal abnormalities. Babies measured right around 20 weeks and were in the 50th percentile for their weight. Hoping to keep up the good news for at least 11 more weeks.

DH and I had a fight a few days back – not out of anger, but out of frustration. Reality is starting to sink in and we’re getting scared. Child care is going to be so expensive. Did I tell you how much the day care is in my building for three infants? $3500/month!!! And that’s with a federal employee and multiple child discount. Other places like TutorTime and KinderCare run the same. We’re looking at nannies and au pairs now. DH wants to go the au pair route, because it’s quite a bit cheaper and he thinks we’ll have help pretty much 24/7. But I'm very private and reserved and I HATE having company. I do not want someone living here! Especially a young woman. Not that I don't trust my husband - I do 100%, but I just don't want my personal space invaded. Our house is a decent size, but it’s really not set up to allow for that kind of privacy. Quitting work is not an option - it would cost us more money for me not to work, and besides, I love my job - at least most of the time. (Why do I feel like I have to defend my decision to work?)

I think the bottom line is I just don’t want three babies – the extra costs from two babies are substantial - not just the child care, but the fact that we have to get a new car (not to mention the formula and diapers). God strike me down if something happens to one of the babies – I will be so devastated, but I’m just freaking out. I know it will all work out, and triplets will be exciting and fun, but it's just not what I bargained for.

I hope you guys don't find me ungrateful - especially those of you who've been with me these last few years and know what we've struggled through to get here. I am grateful, believe me, but there's so many emotions. I'm still angry that we had to go this high-tech route to begin with and that they aren't even my eggs! I just wanted to be normal.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - I guess I just knew that it wasn't going to be very positive and I didn't want to piss anyone off. I'm sorry if I did.