Fantasy vs. Reality

First of all, thank you so much for your feedback on my issue last post. My friend and I went to Starbucks last Monday and talked a little more. She was very supportive, but felt sad for me that I wasn't able to pass on my genes. I told her I was sad, too, but that these are the cards I had been dealt and I wanted a family. Also, it was comforting to know that she was clueless about ovum donation - I just assumed everybody figured it out. She's a smart and informed woman, but I guess if you haven't lived in a world of infertility, you wouldn't pay attention to such things. Hmmm.

The babies are doing well, by the way. We hope to bring the little girl home this weekend. She's a pro in taking her bottle. They will all come home on apnea monitors, though, which I'm relieved about.

O.K...on to next issue: Fantasy vs. Reality

I don't feel like a parent/mom yet, but I'm starting to bond more with the babies. It was so nice to see DH holding Nate last night against his chest. He had been really fussy and fell right to sleep. It brought tears to my eyes. It still hasn't sunk in that this will be my life.

I've been a little sad these last few days. I've been trying to have a baby for 4 1/2 years, and now I have three. Of course, I'm ecstatic about that, but I had lived as an infertile for so long that I'm not sure I'll know how to transition. I know this sounds really weird, but before I had this major goal to attain, at whatever cost. In fact, sometimes I wondered how much I really wanted children or just that I didn't want to be denied. I could fantasize as to what it would be like to be pregnant and have children. I could look forward to it happening. Now it's over - no more dreaming. I will never try to get pregnant again, I will never be pregnant again. I miss the excitement of peeing on a stick and seeing that it's positive, although it ultimately sucked to lose the pregnancy, of course. It also sucked being in the hospital, but it was fun being pregnant - feeling the babies move, coming up with names for Babies A, B, and C. Now they're here, I'm back in the real world, and I don't know if I'm up for the task. I worry about our pets and hope they don't feel to short changed.

Thanks for letting me spill my beans on this latest issue. More to come.

Happy New Year!!

Wow - what a year 2006 was. Of course, I had to end it with a BANG!

First of all, I want to thank my wonderful husband for blogging for me while I was out of pocket. He never "got" the blogging thing, but always told him how great you guys were to me and how I couldn't have survived the last few years without you. He gets it now.

Now - as for the rest of the stuff. My blogging may be piecemeal for a while. My mind isn't nearly as sharp as it used to be and I feel like I have a lot of issues to work out. Of course, one of the biggest ones is getting my mind around the fact that I'm a mom to three kids. It's surreal. Especially since I don't remember giving birth. More on that later.

Here's my issue of the day. Donor Eggs

I think I told you that I told two of my really good, oldest friends about the donor eggs back in August. I wish I kept my promise to myself to keep my mouth shut, but I do trust them to keep my secret. Well, one of my work friends (who has become a regular friend over the last few years) had been really great to me when I was in the hospital and was so scared when I was in ICU that when we finally spoke she was bawling. She's got the biggest heart, but sometimes blurts things out without thinking. Well, the day after I got home, she took me to get my hair done (I was soooo gray) and then we hung at at Starbucks for a while. She's really hung up on the whole genetics stuff and she was going on about DH's and my gene pool. Well, stupid me, told her about the donor eggs. She was shocked. I told her that I figured people were suspicious because, after all - I was 42 and pregnant with triplets! My world has been of infertility for so long, I guess I gave people too much credit that they knew as much as I did. On one hand, I'm so mad at myself for telling her. On the other hand, it would be nice to have someone to talk to about nature vs. nurture as the kids grow up. DH thinks it's no big deal - that no one could have done more to bring these children into the world. What do you think? Most times I'm fine with it. Other times I feel like a fraud. My parents don't know - I think they'd be upset if they knew I almost died for babies that aren't genetically mine. But seeing them, they couldn't be more proud of their grandchildren. I really need to get over my need to fess up about the donor eggs. I think I told everyone I met in the hospital lest they think I was trying to put something over on the.

Any thoughts? Any women out there pregnant with donor eggs who have similar feelings?

Next "issue" coming soon.